Noses and Buttons
by Straight As A Candycane
Summary: What happens in the privacy of Snape and Voldemort's bedroom? Snape/Voldemort crack.


AN: Before you get mad at me for the couple: THIS IS A CRACK COUPLE. I don't actually support it. It's all in good fun.

"I told you, Your Darkness, that robe looks marvelous on you," the dark-haired man told the figure in the shadows. "It flows very nice!" he added after a moment. The dark figure did not reply to his compliments and Severus let out a sigh.

"I heard the loathing in that sigh, Severus..." Voldemort growled out bitterly. Severus rolled his eyes as the pale man continued on, "You hate it, don't you? I mean, it's not nearly formal enough for an occasion such as this!"

"It's dinner at a steakhouse for our six month anniversary," Severus said in his usual monotone voice. Voldemort turned around quickly to glare at him for a moment, before he started to pout slightly. "No, no, I don't mean it like that!" Severus said quickly, groping for something to say.

"Too late! It's already been said..." Voldemort said, throwing his head back dramatically and putting a hand on his forehead.

"Aw, come on darling," Severus said softly, walking up to him. He took Voldemort's chin in his hand. Voldemort slapped his hand away quickly, walking to the other side of the room. "What did I say about your temper?" he said firmly, putting his hands on his hips.

"You aren't my therapist, Severus..." Voldemort muttered.

"No, that's Arthur Weasley's job," he replied with a sneer. Voldemort turned around quickly to look at him, but Severus quickly said, "Don't worry. I haven't told anyone."

"Good," Voldemort replied, a slight grin appearing on his face. "Lucious doesn't need another reason to mock me," he murmured.

"Isn't that what your killing curse is for?" Severus asked, raising an eyebrow.

"If I used that old thing anytime one of them annoyed me, I'd have no friends left," Voldemort said, flicking his wand slightly. The mirror in front of him flew out of the room and back to its place in the closet.

"You'd still have me," Severus said with a warm smile, walking up to Voldemort again.

"Oh, Snape..." Voldemort began in a surprisingly soft tone. He gave Severus a hug and they stood in silence for a minute before Voldemort continued, "You'd have been dead ulong/u ago." He gave Severus a kiss before pulling back from the embrace.

"Wait, what is that supposed to mean?" Severus asked, glaring at him.

"Oh nothing, nothing," Voldemort replied simply, walking away from him.

"Don't make me tell Bellatrix about that fetish of yours," Severus threatened.

"You wouldn't dare," Voldemort growled out as he spun around.

"Try me," Severus said with a cruel grin. Voldemort glared at him as he started to prance around at the idea. "I can see it now! 'Keep your brooms away from dear ol' Voldie! Never know where he'd put them!" Severus teased, staying just out of Voldemort's murderous grip.

"I will kill you if you do, Snape!" he snarled, chasing him and nearly tripping over his own robes.

"Only if you can catch me!" Severus said with a grin as he ran around the room, laughing. After a few minutes of the chase, Severus let out a slight squeal as Voldemort tackled him and pinned him to the ground.

"Pinned you," he said with a slight grin.

"Aw, you know I'm just kidding, darling," Severus said, sounding nervous. He started to struggle slightly against his grip and putting an innocent look in his eyes.

"Now how can I really be sure about that, Snapey-Poo?" Voldemort asked in a calm voice. "I mean, that's something I really don't want getting out of this house," he added.

"You know you can trust me, Voldie," he said innocently.

"Yes, but I'm just so darn secretive. I may just have to lock you in the bedroom for the rest of the night," Voldemort said with a sly grin.

Severus opened his mouth to protest, but he stopped himself. "Will you be in there too?" he asked curiously after a moment.

Voldemort nodded in response. "Of course. Need someone to watch so you don't try to escape," he replied.

"I can live with that," Severus said, smiling slyly. Voldemort slowly released his grip on Severus and they stood up silently. They brushed themselves off and stood next to each other silently for a minute. Finally, they looked at each other out of the corners of their eyes and Severus yelled, "Last one in bed is on bottom!"

As he took off running into the bedroom, Voldemort dashed after him. "Hey! Don't make me throw my nonexistent nose at you!" he yelled as he ran into the bedroom.

Giggling could be heard coming from the room for a few minutes until a flash of light shot from a wand the door slammed shut.


End file.
